Do You Know Your Conflict Style?

Human beings are built for connection. Yet whenever two people come together, conflict is inevitable. It might not always be spoken or acted upon, but it’s there. And how we deal with it determines whether relationships grow together or apart, either personally or professionally.

When conflict happens, it helps to know where you go under stress. That awareness allows you to manage your own style for the wellbeing and growth of the relationship. Easy to do? Not always, especially in the moment—but worth striving for if you value the relationship.

Start by asking yourself: How do I view conflict?
Do you see it as bad and to be avoided at all costs?
Does conflict mean something is wrong with the other person—or with the relationship?
Are you afraid you won’t have the words or confidence to state your position?
Or that you’ll hurt someone if you do?

Consider three conflict styles that many people fall into. Knowing yours is the first step toward managing it—and turning conflict into a productive, healthy conversation.

Control

You might feel it’s your job to set the other person straight. Conflict feels like a competition and one that you intend to win. Some people thrive on it; they see the back-and-forth as creative tension. That can work if both parties enjoy that dynamic. But often, this person ends up alone in the game, wondering why everyone else seems “too soft or sensitive.”
If the goal is the health of the partnership, learning a different approach will help keep others engaged. Making space for others is an exercise in humility. You never know what great ideas you might otherwise be missing!

Pleasing

You might feel it’s just easier to give in and keep the peace, letting your own needs or viewpoint slide. It may feel like you’re taking the high road - but often resentment follows. And resentment never stays hidden.  It tends to surface in passive-aggressive ways others can feel. Over time, people may even start to distrust your agreeable nature because no one can be that accommodating all the time.
Ask yourself, “What do I want?” Even if you ultimately go along with the other person, at least you’ve given yourself a voice and can own the decision without resentment.

Avoidance

No one wins here, and it’s potentially the most corrosive style. It’s human nature to minimize risk and increase security. The inner voice that says “run away” convinces you you’ll be safer if you do. But that safety backfires when issues stagnate, and the mess only grows bigger bringing with it even greater anxiety.  It takes courage to stay in that sticky, uncomfortable space, but doing so shows commitment to the relationship and allows it to grow.

Your conflict style might shift depending on the relationship or environment. Consider also how the other person reacts under stress. Instead of triggering each other, how can you both move toward the middle—to a more open dialogue that creates space for perspective sharing without judgment? There’s nothing simple about being human, but we only grow in relationship with others.

In all three styles, we’re ultimately trying to control the outcome in order to feel safer and happier. It may seem effective in the short-term.  But in the long-term? It limits growth.

• For the Controller – Practice listening more, asking questions, and perspective seeking.
• For the Pleaser – Ask, “What do I want?” and be honest about it. Even if you don’t get it, naming it helps you move forward without resentment.
• For the Avoider – Ask, “What’s one small, simple step I can take to move this challenge forward?” 

For all three, it takes patience, persistence, and the right tools to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. When you play the long game—for the health and security of the partnership—it pays its own dividends.

Understanding your conflict style is the first step; learning how to manage it is where the magic happens.

If you’d like to bring this kind of awareness and skill-building to your team, consider bringing in my new workshop “Work Better Together:  Healthy Conflict in a Changing Workplace”.  

Or reach out to discuss taking a deeper dive into fostering more trust, resilience, and collaboration in your organization.

Did you know?

• “On average, a U.S. employee spends ~2.8 hours per week dealing with workplace conflict rather than productive work.”
• “Conflict-related paid hours lost translate into an estimated US $359 billion annually in the U.S.”
• “Conflict can reduce productivity by up to ~25% in affected employees or teams.”
• “~50% of employees report having left a job due to unresolved workplace conflict.”